PATRICK CHARLES FILBIN

Indiana ain’t much different than what Illinois looks like once you drive through ‘em both. It makes your eyes ache from the emptiness of it all. Corn fields on your left and corn fields on your right. There’d be maroon colored barns perched up from the dirt with a house just a few hundred feet to the right of it and nothing much else. Nothing to look at but the road ahead and nothing to look forward to other than where you were going and who you were gonna meet. That being said, that was a hell of a lot to look forward to.

We rode through Indiana from north to south on Route 65 til we hit Kentucky. Until then, I had never seen such a beautiful stretch of land through a windshield in my whole life. The trees seemed to be growing from their roots right before our eyes and the hills went on forever. Up and down. It was just about 6:00 and the orange sky was painted beyond the tips of the pines as the red sun set. Up and down. There were cattle roving around the farms of “Old Man George” and “Mary Lou” and the horses would come up to the wired fence just to see you whiz by in a flash. Up and down. The road was a perfect metallic grey and as smooth as a crisp dollar bill. The road curled and turned under our tires as we roared over the hills. Up and down. Billy was sleeping in the backseat and Alice held her head still and her chin rested on a closed fist as she stared out the window at the forest flying by. I hunched over the wheel and did about 90 as I took in all of Kentucky’s beauty. Up and down. I passed up trucks and RVs with plates from Georgia and West Virginia. We were among travelers, right where I belonged.

Just as we sneaked into Tennessee, the sun hid beyond the horizon and wouldn’t show itself til the next morning. Now it was orange, like a traffic cone orange only more orange. And it was alive. The sky was a canvas of every color of the rainbow. Red, purple, blue and even pink. Alice got the camera out and took shots of it but the lens couldn’t capture the beauty of it. It just couldn’t. Billy awoke just after the last of the colors faded to a thick black and was livid when we described what he missed. He was always a heavy sleeper.

Up and down. I’ll never forget those Kentucky hills.

Up and down. 

I was just starting to wake up when I heard her bare feet glide across the wooden floor. The early morning daylight peeked its way into the bedroom and threw its rays onto the white satin sheets. I lazily opened my eyes to see her walk through the doorway into the kitchen. She wore a green flannel shirt that I wore the night before and nothing else that I could see. Her bare legs made little movement as she tiptoed around the tiny apartment. With her soft fingers, she fiddled around with the coffee maker in the refrigerator light. As I laid down in the morning air, I thought of the books we would read on this Sunday afternoon and the stories we would tell each other and I realized something. 

This coffee, these mornings, this tiny apartment and her. This is all I’ve ever wanted. 

When you come home every night and turn off the lights in your room, what do you do?

Most of us pull the blankets over our chest, slip our arms under our pillow and stare at the ceiling before we fall asleep.

But what do we think about before we fall asleep?

Well, first you should think of yourself. Think about your day and ask yourself if you’re proud of that day and if you can put your name on that day. When your head hits the pillow, always put your happiness first, because when your head hits its last pillow, it’s just gonna be you at the end of the day. First think of yourself.

Then, think about your loved ones. Think about the people you care about and the people who care about you.

When you turn off the lights at night, think of your heart and who’s worth the fight.
The fight for your love.
The fight for your peace.
The fight for your soul.
And the fight for everything you have to give away.

I was turning the pages of my book when he came in. I heard him before I saw him. I glanced up from the novel’s words to see his sneakers shuffling across the floor of the coffee shop. He wore blue slacks on his legs and held a cain in his hand to help them work. He wore glasses that were as thick as the windows of the shop and he spoke softly from his wide smile. A little hard of hearing but probably not hard of listening. I tried to understand his story with just a look and one question came to mind. What does it mean when an old gentleman shuffles his feet?

I’d like to think it’s because he’s a man of many travels. His tired feet were on pavement for years until his body couldn’t keep up with his ramblin’ ways. Everyone has a story. When I think about this man, I know he’s got a story that he loves telling. He’s got wear and tear in those bones of his and he’s proud of it. The wrinkles in his hard hands tell a story of hard work. The ring on his finger represent the love he feels for a woman who was crazy enough to marry him. He’s got a story and he’s proud of it. 

Make sure that when all your traveling is done, you’ll have a story you’re proud of. Put some mileage in you legs now so you can shuffle into coffee shops when you’re older. 

Earlier today I stumbled upon a blog entry that was titled “Culture’s Most Famous Advice Givers” and was really moved by one in particular. As usual, I would like to share a quote that I absolutely love and affected me in a tremendous way as soon as I read it. The following is an exceprt from T.H. White’s The Once and Future King, as told by the character Merlin. 

“The best thing for being sad…is to learn something. That’s the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

What a great and honest approach to living with sorrow or sadness. The mind is a tricky thing to try and understand. It puts us in the dumps and it can be manipulated by so many things around us. On the other hand, it keeps us in the light of everyday’s beauty and helps us stay strong in the most troubling times. The only thing that we can do to help us with the difficult times and keep the good ones around is to feed our mind with knowledge. Try to learn something every single day. Look up something on the internet that interests you. Watch a documentary. Read a book. Read an article in a magzine. Read the newspaper. Get off Facebook and read something. Go to the library and read something off a shelf. It probably wouldn’t even kill you if you read what you’re supposed to be reading for that one pain in the ass history class. Sit down and listen to a record by Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones. Listen to music that matters, music that will make you think and make you shake with excitement. Get lost in their stories if you need to. You should try to consume yourself with as much information as you possibly can. Get lost in your mind rather than lost in life. Using your mind and making it grow will pay off in the long run every time. I promise. And after you spend an entire day in the library, go out and have a drink with your friends because you damn well know you’ll deserve one. Maybe you’ll even meet someone who you can impress with how much you know about Emerson’s poetry or the Hubble Space Telescope. 

Make sure you never, ever stop learning. Once you do, you’ll die. Your heart may not stop beating but your mind will stop expanding. Ask questions about the world and try to figure out the answer for yourself. To learn is to embark on a constant adventure inside a man’s head and to never stop exploring. My advice to you is to explore at all times. 

When it comes to music, I am very much a lyric person before I get caught up on a melody or the actual composition of a song. That being said, I wanted to share my favorite lyric of the last year. There were some great ones, but one has stuck out to me above the others. 

“I don’t know where I belong,

I don’t know where I went wrong,

but I can write a song.”

These lines connected with me in a way that wouldn’t and couldn’t be ignored. It’s so simple and so powerful. It hits me personally because I do attempt to write songs and have been for a few years now. The lyric is such a true depiction of where a well-written song can take you and where it can guide you. The strength of music is the most powerful form of expression when it is intimate and straightforward and honest. The Lumineers’ debut album was one of the most honest pieces of music to come out in a long time. They took what Mumford & Sons did a couple years ago, and brought back the Americana folk that Dylan innovated, and wrote good, true and real music. Music that matters. The story of this song matters because it’s all of our stories. We don’t know where we’re going in life. We don’t know what the right moves are that we’re supposed to make and we don’t know what mistakes are gonna cost us in the long run. All we know is that we control where we go and what we do with our life. Whether we write songs, write books, study law, teach, coach, cook, fight fires or fight crime, we’re in control of our life. I’m not sure where I belong at the moment. Who is though? What I do know is that I’ll figure it out. And if I have to write a couple songs to get there, that’ll be perfectly fine with me. 

2012. It came and it went. At least that’s how it felt. Two semesters of college have passed, four seasons, twelve months and another year in the books. There were both high and lows to my year personally, as I’m sure there was to everyone’s year. Here are some highs: 

It was a great year in music. Bruce Springsteen released his new record, Wrecking Ball, which is phenomenal. One of his best and most important records he’s ever released. He had anger in his voice and meaning in his lyrics that every American could relate to. I loved it. John Mayer put out his most honest record to date and it came out organically and damn near perfectly. I watched several new television programs this year. Entourage, Arrested Development, Angry Boys, Friday Night Lights. All that good stuff. It was very entertaining and time well spent/wasted. It was also a good year for movies. Lawless, Lincoln, Argo, The Hunger Games, The Dark Knight Rises, Zero Dark Thirty, Looper, Flight. All incredible movies, all must-sees. 

The most important thing I did all year though is read a book. Not that I read one book all year (more like 7) but one book in particular changed my viewpoint on most things in life and that is Jack Kerouac’s On The Road. It’s incredible story of a traveling man and what he encounters on his adventure across this beautiful country of ours. It’s a first hand experience that takes you on a journey full of risk, pain, joy, spirit, hope and complete comradeship of a man, the people he meets, and the mysteries and stories that the open road has to offer. It’s the most powerful story I’ve ever read and I urge every person to get a hold of this book and get lost in this tale. 

Other than that, I played a hell of a lot of N64 and Wiffle Ball all summer. Throughout my time at school I try to distract myself with books and film that have stories that are brighter and more interesting than mine at the moment. It wasn’t a bad year, just an uneventful one compared to others that i read about and hear about. My hope is that this year brings more adventure, more opportunity, more stories, more storytelling, more pictures, more documenting. I hope that I can feel more love and less constraint. I hope I can find more freedom and get rid of any people or things that that seem to hold me down. I hope. 

Until then, cheers to another year everyone. 

If you could go back in time and change something, would you? 

Now, I’m not talking about going back and stopping the Red Sox from trading the Babe or stop Britney and Justin from wearing those terrible denim outfits to the VMA’s. I’m talking about something from your life. Can you pick a moment where you would go back and change something? And if you can, would you really go back and change something? 

Even if it’s a minor detail of a day back in 7th grade or a major decision that you made but now regret, every moment in your life has shaped you into the person you are right now. The choices you made and the ones you’re making right now are gonna change the lives of not only you but everyone around you. What if you wore those super cool light up shoes to class in 2nd grade instead of those ones your Mom picked out for you? Maybe then that pretty little girl in your class that you were dying to talk to would notice you and you’d get married twenty years later. Or what if you went to college in Seattle instead of the college you feel stuck at now. Everyone’s life is changing. People don’t realize it on a day-to-day basis, but one day you’re gonna wake up and ask yourself what you’re doing with your life and the answer will terrify you if it’s not what you want to hear. 

You don’t have to go back in time to change your life. You can change it today. If you feel like taking the day off and watching Christmas movie marathons all day, save it for tomorrow. But don’t save it for next year, or next summer, or the New Year or after college. Change it now, man. All it takes is a little bit of courage and the right mindset. Find that mindset and you’ll find yourself. The self that you were meant to be. 

Read this.

Take a second to think about it.

Read it again.

Did you?

Okay good. 

Now really think about it. All we have in this world is our time here. From the moment we’re born to the moment where we close our eyes for the last time. Understanding that you’re going to die one day can be one of the most fulfilling moments in life. Take all of the sadness out of death and leave the idea of mourning out of the equation and just think about life. Sometimes it takes something like these short words to put it all into perspective for you. The time you have on this planet is yours. Nobody elses. I promise you that. I know sometimes you think that you have to give a part of you to your parents or your professors or your peers, but at the end of the day, who’s there? You are. It’s a selfish way to think about things, but sometimes you have to be selfish. Especially when you’re talking about your own happiness. 

John Mayer said something at one of his shows one time that made me think of this. He said “unless someone is gonna lay with you in your casket for all of eternity, you do whatever the hell you want to do with your life.”

It’s so important to not let other people dictate whether you’re happy or not. If someone makes you happy, keep them around. If they don’t, get rid of them because life is too damn short for those kinds of people. Be happy by being around people that want to keep you happy and want to be a part of your happiness, because happiness is nothing if you can’t share it with someone. When you feel like taking a risk, just do it. When you feel like going out and having a couple drinks with your friends the night before a test or class, do it if you want to. If you want to stay in and watch TV all night instead, do that and don’t apologize for it. Above all, be fucking happy, because life is too short not to be. 

Read this again. Write it down and remind yourself whenever you need to. 

I know this probably isn’t the best way to start a blog where I want to creatively write and express things that I’m feeling from my own perspective, but I read this quote and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just wanted to share it. The passage is from a piece called ‘The Time Teller’ by Mitch Albom. 

“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on the wall or on the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.” 

How often do we even think about time? Every second is counted. Every day is measured by months and months by years. We celebrate time all the time (even by using it in expressions). A huge celebration is put on for every year that passes. The message is “we made it another year, here’s to one more.” Here’s to one more year of surviving. Surviving instead of living. Time was created by man and is regulated by man. To live without time or the sense of time or the fear of time ending is to live fully and carefree. Imagine that. Imagine living without the inevitability of your time here on Earth running out. Your life is your clock. It’s your stopwatch. It’s your hour-glass that keeps running until all your sand hits the bottom. With that worry gone, wouldn’t it be better. Think about all your worries right now. How many of them have to do with time? It is truly paralyzing. I worry about time every damn day. We all do. Maybe it’s the structure we need, or maybe it’s the chains that are holding us back. 

Hello interwebsters. This is my blog and these are my thoughts. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.